What’s worse than being stuck in a place you dream of
leaving? Finally leaving that place and not being able to enjoy the new place because
you stayed in that terrible place to long. I met an American man today here in
Morocco, believe it or not I have met any Americans the whole time I’ve been
here. I wondered where are all the Americans taking their vacations??? I was
crazy excited, he was from Chicogo and he had that BL man swag that I have been
missing so much. But sadly about 5 min
into the conversation he began to complain about the hardship of living in
America, but we are not in the states, I thought. As a matter of fact we are in
one of the most beautiful places on earth. And colonization is not a problem,
because everyone I see looks just like me. Immediately I felt so sad for this
man, at the same time feeling equally sad for myself that I had spent
10minunets of my beautiful vacation in such a low vibrational conversation. As soon
as he came up for air I excused myself and walked away swiftly. As I left him standing
behind me looking confused, I began to think about that saying “Oppression is worse
than death” This poor man had lived over 60 years in pain and in chains and now
that he was free, he left, but took his chains with him.
Dear Meracai
I was talking to my mother the other day and she asked my
how could I marry someone like you. She does not see what I see in you. That
smile that charm that charisma, and I know that your foundation is pure. I do
kind of wonder though why do you look at me with such disgust. I used the bleaching
cream you gave me, but it’s not working my skin is still brown, I straightened
my hair just like you said, but the humidity just keeps making it bushy, I am
so thankful for the contacts, but they hurt my eyes and I’m not sure if blue is
my color. But I will keep trying, because I know that’s it’s me and as soon as
I fix me then we will be okay. I nicked my finger when I was sewing the buttons
on your shirt; I was so surprised that I bled Red White and Blue. When did this
Happen? When did I become you? Was it when I stood by and watched you do things
I knew were wrong, but my fear would not let me speak out. I remember that time
I tried and you put your foot on my neck. You did not say anything, but the
look in your eyes sent chills down my spine. Every time you leave a woman
without her husband, I wanted to say something, but I still have the mark of
stars on my face from the ring you were wearing when you hit me. But I know you
don’t mean it, you just want what’s best for me. And I love you for that. Sometimes
you make me so angry, but how can I stay mad when you come barring such
wonderful gifts. That HD flat screen tv makes me feel like I’m right there in
the movie, that I Phone is so nice ( you remembered that pink is my favorite
color) and that Harry Winston Diamond Necklace sure makes me feel like a Queen
( I don’t even care how many children lost their limbs for it, because I deserve the best). You tell
me all the time that you are the greatest around and I will never find another
like you. I love to I hear you say
United we stand it makes me feel like we are really becoming one. I found out I
am pregnant today. I am so proud to be giving you my baby, I know you will
treat her/him as good as you treat me. Remember those thoughts about equality I
wanted to share with you, maybe we can finish that conversation later after
swelling in my face goes down. Is this what you meant when you said black and
blue look good on me? I remember grabbing my belly as I hit the floor; I hope
the baby is okay. The nurse said I almost miscarried and I should think long
and hard if I wanted to stay in a relationship like this one. What did she
mean, this relationship is perfect!! Everyone I know has one just like it and
they are all fine. I’ve never known anything else. I know we will get better,
it has only been 500 years, and I have to give it time, right. As I laid in the
bed looking at my bruised belly I wondered could life be different. I don’t know
but I would like to find out before I die here at the mercy of your neurotic
behavior. Meracai it breaks my heart to leave you, but please know that this is
not good bye, I just need to take a break, I need to take some time to let my
heart and my spirit heal. You have made it very clear that healing is not
something I can do in your house. Please try to understand that I have to go, I
am beginning to forget the names and faces of my ancestors. I told the nurse my
name was Jill, but my mother keeps calling me Fatimah. If I don’t live now I will
not remember how great I was born to be and I know that will be okay with you.
I have loved you my love life, I don’t even know what it is like to love
another, hell I don’t even know what it like to truly love myself. I need to
know the feeling of truly being at peace. I know you don’t understand this, but a
stronger me makes a stronger you. My beloved Meracai I will see you again
someday.
I wise woman once said: The heart and the spirit are fragile
but the mind is strong, and we convince ourselves so many times,that if we just
hang in there it will get better. But by the time we become comfortable in
uncomfortable situations we have cracked our mind and completely broken our
heart and spirit. And at that point we are all Dead Men Walking!!!
